The Pizza Primordial

 

Other Appellations:

 

The Admiral Pizza Universe (Alpha), Universe 92219 (Universe 161)

 

Fox Harmonic:

 

Pi

 

Astral Connection:

 

L10 D10

 

The Pizza Primordial delivers justice throughout the multiverse. The foundational barriers of the multiverse are as nothing before pizza power. The Astral radiates down on this world like the wafting scent of a freshly baked pizza pie. Where there is dull, uninspired foodstuffs, there will be–Admiral Pizza!

 

Pizza is the right of all sentient beings!

 

ARGO Note:

 

“Excuse me, are you sure you are using proper ARGO formatting with your entry?”

 

–ARGO Archival MS Dewey 

 

Threat Rating:

 

4

 

The threat rating would be a lot higher given the chaotic and bizarre threats that rise up from this universe like pizza crust in the oven, but the Admiral and his forces of culinary justice do a remarkable job keeping the forces of gruel well behind the forces of good.

 

If all universes had a seaman with an affinity for circular dishes of bread, cheese, and tomato paste, surely the multiverse would be a stronger, more loving multiverse?

 

ARGO Note:

 

“I’m calling a Code 2 on Researcher Hand. I think he’s spent a little too much time in the Admiral Pizza universe. No one worry, I’ve seen this before. Give him the month off with weekly visits to the psychiatrist MS, he’ll be fine in no time.

 

“But please, no pizza in the cafeteria until we clear him.”

 

–ARGO Commander Victory

 

Multiverse Activity:

 

Frequent

 

ARGO Note:

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t leave Hand’s graph of “Multiversal Pizza Delivery Routes” in the file. It was too weird, and what’s more, it gave me eye strain. He had in it like, 30 dimensions.”

 

–ARGO Researcher Book

 

Keywords:

 

Cartoon, Historic Partner, Analog, Pepperoni, Supreme, Hawaiian, Meat lovers, Vegetarian,

 

ARGO Note:

 

“I left in the “creative additions” Hand made to the keyword list. I thought they were funny. Please don’t rat me out to Dewey.”

 

–ARGO Researcher Book

 

Description:

 

Oh, where to start?

 

You say the keyword. You saw the “C” word. You know this is going to be long and weird.

 

Let’s start with our universe, because we should start from a place of familiarity and gradually work our way into the whimsical wonder and existential horror that is a cartoon universe.

 

Do you want us to start with the Pizza Primordial?

 

Do you want us to start with Spaghetti Sam secretly being Admiral Pizza’s alien wife in a skin suit?

 

I think not. So let’s start at home, shall we?

 

In our universe, Admiral Pizza is a popular chain of fast food restaurants. You can probably find one in your home town. They’re as common as Johnny Winter’s hamburger diners. They’ve known for their novelty selections–treasure map pizza, ship-shaped cannoli with cheese slice sails, and cannon shaped condiment bottles. They serve broadside bocadillos, which are sandwiches with the condiments blasted onto them from across the restaurant.

 

Admiral Pizza cultivates a whimsical, fun atmosphere. Everyone talks like a pirate on Talk-like-a-pirate Day. An animatronic Admiral entertains small children and frightens older ones. Parrot delivery is an option for only 20 dollars.

 

The parent company of Admiral Pizza is $cumco, a company known for its irreverent, tongue-in-cheek approach. Randomness and weirdness are their calling cards and in today’s dull, safe world, they make money hand over fist. I’ve enclosed an example of their products below:

 

 

 

Pretty creative, huh? You’d be amazed at the stuff they sell.

 

Now imagine if Admiral Pizza was a universe. Just imagine it. Imagine a world centered around pizza. Imagine a world where physics are replaced with zany humor and comedic pratfalls.

 

That universe is real.

 

Let’s talk about how this universe looks from macrospace. ARGO doesn’t normally cover the macrospatial configuration of universes, we tend to leave that to the Warp Authority, but I feel discussing it will help illustrate what exactly we’re dealing with.

 

When observed from macrospace, every universe and the stacks upon stacks of infinities that constitute them appears as a finite shape. Some universes look like bright stars, others like multi-colored marbles. These universes often come together in multiversal structures forming constructs reminiscent of constellations or molecules.

 

The Admiral Pizza universe looks like a giant pizza. A supreme pizza, to be exact.

 

Fresh ARGO researchers ask “Why? Why a pizza? How can such a thing be? Instead of stars and superstrings and firmaments there’s cheese and pepperoni and mushrooms!”

 

Veteran ARGO researchers ask “Why not a pizza?”

 

Give pizza a chance is all we’re saying.

 

The inhabitants of this universe call it the Pizza Primordial. It’s cheese-stuffed crust is the bedrock of their cosmos. We move the hypercamera out a little, and we can see that the Pizza Primordial is just one pizza in an entire multiverse of pizzas known as the Buffet Beatitude.

 

Each of these Pizza Primordials in the Buffet Beatitude is protected by a champion, a supreme superhero above al others–Admiral Pizza.

 

And yes, Pizza is his legal name.

 

And yes again, he is a real Admiral overseeing the Snergaville sea and space navy.

 

In some Pizza Primordials, the year is 1865 and Admiral Pizza has just blocked a bullet meant for Honest Abe Lincoln (Admiral Pizza was unharmed because come on, you can’t hurt Admiral Pizza). In others, the year is far beyond our own and the nigh-immortal Admiral Pizza’s olive-black beard has aged to a mozzarella white.

 

In the universe we’re discussing, however, the year is 1958. Their world may have enough similarities with our own to be classified as an analog world (yes, even with all the cartoon weirdness) but it is not a calendar analog.

 

This world is one of those with an Atlantis, and the end of this Atlantis came when they invented a device that could turn water into sand. Apparently, they wanted to do some terraforming. Unfortunately, the device malfunctioned and worked the other way and boom, no more continent, but a neat Atlantic ocean. This artifact would recently be used by the Admiral’s arch-enemy, the Gruelmaster, in his bid to create his own independent island nation.

 

Yeah, just like what happened with The Crime Fighter and the Waddler when the Waddler tried making his own island back in 1966. Speaking of the Crime Fighter, the Pizza Primordial has someone similar in Night Moose, an alces alces themed defender of the night. He’s a cool guy, not all that good at his job compared to vigilantes that pattern themselves off other mammals, but he’s got heart, and spunk, and if Admiral Pizza says you’re okay than you’re okay.

 

This 1958 world is a world that’s more or less at peace. Supervillains like Gruelmaster are kept in check by the Admiral and his superhero friends. There’s more than Night Moose to come on the superhero scene following the Admiral’s debut way back in the middle of the 19th century. There’s Spaghetti Sam, who is secretly the Admiral’s alien wife inside a human suit, which answers the question of how Spaghetti Sam can stretch himself like spaghetti while raising many, many more questions, Sushi Samurai, who cuts evil into aesthetically pleasing bite-sized shapes, and more.

 

The Admiral and his pals have the world so well taken care of that its in the process of building an infinite train–a giant, ever-running train that goes around the entire planet’s circumference. Building it is like putting on the championship belt of world peace. Sure, it not be the most economically sound project but think of how cool it’ll look from space!

 

Apparently, when mankind gives pizza a chance, world peace follows.

 

Individuals of Note

 

Admiral Pizza

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, were to begin?

 

Okay, look, you got the profile card up there and my notes down below, so why not combine the two like cheese and bread?

 

–Loves pizza, believes pizza is the right of all sentient beings (and has that as his official motto).

 

–Can channel Pizza Power, a power which permeates the multiverse. For some reasons, terrapins are usually the only ones that can sense and manipulate Pizza Power, but we’ve checked and double checked and Admiral Pizza is not a terrapin, he’s a seaman.

 

–Was raised by Sasquatches in the 19th century, who found him in a crashed space craft with a pizza medallion, the only clue as to the strange, lost pizza-based civilization his parents belonged to.

 

–Commands the Snergaville Sea and Space Fleet.

 

–Has an aether drive based giant robot named Buffet Battleship who is summoned by combining the power of pizza, mozzarella, bread sticks, and calzones. He got this baby from Earth AD, a world known for its giant robots.

 

–Has a Pizza Power punch strong enough to reactivate an ancient Atlantean artifact.

 

–Can breathe fire and shoot lasers from his eyes by channeling the power of pizza ovens–like the sun. I bet you didn’t know that stars are used as giant pizza ovens by the gods, did you?

 

–The feather in his cap belonged to the legendary Roc and allows him to fly.

 

–Is nigh-immortal owing to a blood transfusion from a vampire.

 

–Saved Abe Lincoln from John Wilkes Booth.

 

–Can jump from the Earth to the Moon.

 

–Shows NO MERCY to the creations of the Gruelmaster, his arch-enemy.

 

Every universe within the Buffet Beatitude has its own Admiral Pizza, with a few of them being Captains, Commanders, Officers, etc, etc. There’s even a Petty Officer First Class Pizza. He’s a real go-getter, though some of his fellow Pizzas think he’s a bit of blue falcon.

 

Precise details about each Admiral/Captain/Commander/Whatever Pizza can vary, but they all share the same general characteristics. Think of the above list as the bread and cheese and the variations as toppings.

 

And yes, that means every Admiral Pizza went to Earth AD to create an aether drive powered mech…and are still coming. They’ve recently set up a drive-through service for them all.

 

Raw Power 10 (potentially more when channeling Pizza Power)

Durability 12

Speed 8

Sanity 0 (10 in his own world)

Intelligence 2 (20 in his own world)

Skill 10

 

Crossover Alerts!

 

Old Comics In A Future Comic Shop!

 

 

In a causally linked universe (an alternate timeline, in laymen’s terms) within the Buffet Beatitude series, Fox echoes of Earth AD, Oi, and several other universes were discovered in a comic shop.

 

There’s just something about comic books and Fox echoes. They have an echo rate twenty times that of books. No one knows why.

 

Signore Pizza

 

A STC (spontaneous, temporary crossover) brought the Admiral to Dauntina where he immediately started to ply his trade and sate the hunger of those around him.

 

By force.

 

Cartoons can be very frightening when taken out of their normal environments.

 

His activities brought him to the attention of Grand Monitor Gasparro Cavallo who attempted to arrest Signore Pizza, the name people had given him in this universe on account of him stuffing copious amounts of pizza down peoples’ gullets.

 

Gasparro held the advantage until the STC activated again and brought them both to Admiral Pizza’s universe where the Admiral had the advantage owing to greater familiarity with cartoon logic. The Admiral summoned a suit of knight armor and a minigun loaded with pizza paste bullets and ventilated, but also fed, Gasparro. Such is the paradox of the tomato paste minigun (the minimato), every hole it creates feels filled by warm culinary delights.

 

The STC then brought Gasparro back to Dauntina where he found himself drenched in tomato paste (which he, upon tasting it when no one was looking, had to admit was of the finest quality) but otherwise unharmed.

 

Toss-up question for the boys in the divine psychology department–were the gods of Dauntina horrified, perplexed, or amused by this STC? Or is the answer all of the above?

 

 

Pizza Rules The Road

 

During a multiverse-wide racing tournament of goodwill, the Admiral competed with Soren of the Empire.

Their race was, as expected, bizarre.

 

That’s really the only way to describe it.

 

 

The Dream Team

 

When one of those big cosmic crises that come around as often as hurricanes these days targeted the Pizza Primordial, Admiral Pizza assembled his Dream Team from throughout the multiverse to combat the evil of Corona Chan, goddess of the Coronavirus.

 

ARGO note:

 

“Wait wait wait. Coronavirus? Like SARS? What kind of universe gets wrecked by a respiratory sickness?”

 

“No no no. You see, she’s dangerous because of the fear she causes. People fear her, and thus they overreact and cause irreparable damage to their society.”

 

“Ohhhh okay.”

 

–ARGO researcher Bellman to ARGO researcher Book

 

Using raw Pizza Power, the Admiral recruited the following for his Dream Team:

 

Tad Danger, the Substitute Ranger

Queen Azu and Princess Rau

Stardust of Starhome

Super Cadet Nismo

The Admiral’s old rival, Grand Monitor Gasparro Cavallo

 

The Dream Team was an odd bunch, to be sure, but they got the job done and reduced the Corona goddess from a pandemic threat to an endemic threat.

 

 

The Power of Pizza

 

A Fox echo comic detailing the events of the Stardust Incident of 1945 is in the possession of Admiral Pizza.

 

 

The Giant Tad Incident

 

When the super-being known as Stardust entered the multiverse, he spread himself across time and space like a lantern casting rays of light. It wasn’t just our universe where his light fell. It wasn’t just our universe where an entity appeared and attempted to “correct” the mistakes of nature. A ray fell upon the Pizza Primordial a little less than a year ago and the result was a slightly-different Stardust. Our Stardust was Stardust the Super Wizard and wore silver. This Stardust was Stardust the Space Wizard and dressed in green.

While in Snergaville to substitute out a missing part of the Admiral’s Buffet Battleship (the store was out of breadsticks), Tad Danger was “assisted” by Stardust the Space Wizard, who figured that Tad’s problem was that he himself wasn’t giant and had to use his Manipod to fight giants. The problem was that suddenly growing in height gave Tad Glenn Manning syndrome and caused him, in his brain-addled state, to carry out his long-suppressed desire to be a kaiju and stomp through a city.

 

To even the odds, the Admiral hopped over the Earth AD and recruited famed (and somewhat infamous) eyesaur Drak. While Drak engaged Tad in combat, the Admiral was able to shrink Tad back to size using a duck, a dump truck full of blue play-doh, a radioactive meteorite, and the sword of the Archangel Michael.

 

Stardust the Space Wizard was then convinced to take a job at a grocery store.

 

Hey, weird stories often have weird endings.