The Secret Universe

 

(Based on various advertising characters that appeared in comics from the golden age to the bronze age)

 

The Secret universe is named after the Secret Legion, a superhero task force that range throughout the multiverse. Given that the secret universe is a natural hub of worldtunnel activity, the Secret Legion has traveled throughout the multiverse, lending a hand in this world and that world.

Given the danger involved in assisting so many worlds and making so many enemies doing so, the Secret Legion keeps not only their true identities secret, but also their home universe. The Secret universe’s Fox harmonic is unknown, as is information on its politics and culture. A few conclusions can be drawn from how the Secret Legion behaves and operates, as well as things its members have mentioned in passing:

 

–Earth in the Secret universe is highly advanced. Mankind has explored the stars.

 

–Earth is at peace, though the occasional crime still occurs.

 

–The solar system is inhabited beyond Earth and inhabited worlds are in an alliance with Earth (Volto is a Martian).

 

–They possess a power which taps into the informational superstructure of the multiverse to allow them to detect, respond to, and quickly leave specific incidents throughout time and space. For instance, Sprocket Man responds to bike related crimes the multiverse over.

 

–Their greatest weapon, entrusted to various superheroes around the multiverse for use in the case of emergencies, is, if you can believe it, a snack cake. This snack cake is so delicious and so desirable that it causes supervillians to drop everything and surrender just for a taste. It is likely that these snack cakes violate several controlled substance ordinances under the Protective Domain, but everyone is encouraged to look the other way given that the damn things work on everyone from Iron Jaw to the Claw.

 

Some have theorized that there is in fact, no secret universe, and that the entire concept is a ruse designed to decoy suspicion away from the handful of universes that members of the Secret Legion actually call home. A multiverse organization using a fictional universe as a decoy isn’t a bad idea at all. If that truly is how the situation is, congratulations to the Secret Legion for being very clever.

 

But have you met them? They aren’t the kind of people to go for deep deceptions. They’re very “hearts-on-sleeves.”

 

One of them is named Sprocket Man.

 

But then again, perhaps that’s part of the ruse as well…

 

 

Captain Tootsie

 

 

The one who started it all. The big guy. The leader.

Captain Tootsie.

 

With superhuman strength, unbreakable willpower, and lots and lots of gadgets, Captain Tootsie leads the Secret Legion.

 

Captain Tootsie is a strong believer in the potential of youth and employs several teenagers who maintain his gear and fleet of starships. These Junior Secret Legionnaires include Rollo, Fatso, Fisty, Yanks, and Bubbles.

 

No, these are not codenames.

 

It’s likely naming conventions on Captain Toostie’s Earth are very different than our own. He’s named Tootsie, after all.

 

Captain Tootsie possesses a supermetabolism that allows him to replenish energy with just a bite of food. You know those video games where your character recovers health by touching an apple or turkey they find on the ground? Captain Tootsie can almost do that, but he has to at least put it in his mouth and swallow it, he can’t just absorb food by touching it. His favorite food is chocolate.

 

Hey, some guys get powers from spinach.

 

As to his favorite brand of chocolate, we aren’t sure. There’s some sort of macroversal informational corruption going on with his wrappers. All the logos and indica are blurred. It’s like the multiverse doesn’t want to see what they are.

 

 

Volto

 

 

A Martian, Volto travels the multiverse righting wrongs and fighting evil.

 

In some universes, Martians have the ability to shapeshift, or read minds, or shapeshift and read minds, but in Volto’s universe, Martians have the power to repel and attract objects. When they wish to repel an object, they hold out their left arm and say VOLTO. When they wish to attract an object, they hold out their right arm and say VOLTO.

There are rumors that by holding out both arms Volto is able to perform a technique of considerable power that combines attraction with repulsion called the VOLTON.

 

All Martians shout Volto. All Martians are named Volto. But there’s only one Volto travelling the multiverse.

 

At least, that’s what they tell us…

 

Like all Martians, Volto needs to eat to keep up his powers, and his favorite food is grape nut cereal. He considers it an exotic Earth delicacy.

 

You have no idea how confused he was when he learned that grapes were not a kind of nut and that grape nut cereal contains neither grapes nor nuts.

 

 

Sprocket Man

 

 

A sprocket is a wheel with teeth that catches with a chain. You know those little wheels on bicycle chains? Sprockets.

 

Don’t be ashamed. A lot of people don’t know.

 

What kind of superhero focuses on bicycle crimes?

 

This kind.

 

Consider this–even in universes where people can travel between the stars, people still us bicycles, because they’re very convenient vehicles, though to be honest, those shoes that convert to skates are probably the ultimate evolution of the idea.

 

Don’t tell him that, though.

 

Sprocket Man appears throughout the multiverse whenever bicycle safety is at stake. Whenever a cyclist violates the right-of-way of pedestrians, whenever a thief cuts a bike lock, whenever someone decides to not wear a helmet, he will be there.

 

He will be there–with his sprocket shield.

 

Which, though it is a wheel with teeth, doesn’t attach to any kind of chain, and thus is not actually a sprocket–not unless there’s a giant bike he’s not telling anyone about.

 

And there may be.

 

There are two questions we get asked a lot about Sprocket Man. The first is “How come he he keeps pestering me to wear a helmet? Did the Japanese superheroes put him up to it? He doesn’t wear a helmet!”

He actually does, sometimes, because people kept calling him a hypocrite over it, but honestly, he doesn’t need a helmet. His bones are ultrapowerful. You know the small guy from that one universe with the superhumans with the obnoxious victim complex? The one that’s the “best at what you don’t do?” or something like that? Yeah. Sprocket Man’s bones are stronger. Nothing in the known multiverse can penetrate them, which raises all kinds of questions about the permeable qualities of bones that allows them to function as part of a body, questions that will not be addressed, but the takeaway here is that you could bounce a planet off Sprocket Man’s skull. His skull doesn’t need a helmet, helmets need his skull.

 

Or something like that.

 

Hey, sometimes superpowers are just weird.

 

The second question is “He uses a shield? Isn’t that kind of common for a superhero?”

 

First, shields actually aren’t that common in the multiverse at large. The superhero weapon you see most often is the bow. Second, his shield does something other shields don’t–his shield comes back.

 

It has something to do with racketing motion, we think? But it does return to his hand. How many shield slingers do you know can pull that off without making their shield bounce around like a flattened pinball?

 

Give pedestrians the right-of-way, be careful when passing vehicles to avoid being hit by opening doors, use a bike lock, and wear a helmet if you skull can’t survive nuclear impacts,

 

Remember these things and you too, can be a Sprocket Man.

It is rumored, but not confirmed, that Sprocket Man’s real name is Bobby Shelby, but again, this is only a rumor (someone claimed to read the name on the inside of Sprocket Man’s helmet).

 

Miracle Man

 

 

A strange being of strange magical powers, the Miracle Man is a self-described spirit of efficiency who travels the multiverse improving the performance of vehicles, be it by increasing the energy output of a starship’s fusion reactor or cleaning out a car’s engine of grime.

 

He’s something of a helpful gremlin. People hate that he shows up out of nowhere to meddle with their things, but they can’t complain about his results.

 

He always smiles. He never blinks. He might be slightly unhinged after years of close proximity to gasoline fumes and the various exotic materials that power starships–but it’s probably mostly the gasoline fumes to blame. He was rumored to keep his secret headquarters inside the gas tank of his cherry red Pontiac firebird. That can’t be good for you, even if you are a spirit.

 

The Kooba Man

 

 

Once known as the Kooba Kid, the Kooba Man (he probably should have kept with “Kooba Kid” as Kooba Man sounds somewhat sinister, and if cowboys can get away with “The X Kid,” then why not superheroes?) invented an invigorating superscientific carbonated drug when he has but a lad and has offered his fantastic–and lucrative–concoction to the multiverse ever since.

 

It not be fully cola, but it does contain cola.

 

The Kooba Man is a guardian of underdogs and heroes in dire straits. Whenever a superhero is on the verge of defeat, whenever a superhero can’t hold up the bridge long enough to rescue people, whenever a superhero just can’t take another step, the Kooba Man appears to revive them with his elixir, granting them a tremendous burst of vim and zip.

He’s made a killing selling the formula. Nothing is better advertisement than the Blue Beetle saying he couldn’t have saved the day without refreshing, cooling Kooba cola. It is quite possibly the most popular soft drink in the multiverse. It can often be found served in Interway diners and restaurants.

 

You know those health potions you see a lot in castles-and-dragons worlds? Most of the time they’re Kooba cola with cherry flavoring and red dye and a vast markup.

 

Kooba cola is the official drink of ARGO, and really, with the two O’s arranged like an infinity symbol, could any self-respecting multiverse exploration organization have said no?