Introduction

 

The prince of kneeling vs the god of checked privilege.

 

Who will kneel? Who will squeal? Whose double win isn’t real?

 

I’m going to have to back Goldilocks over the troll doll, because goldilocks was slaying trolls back before even Joe Biden was born. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Virginia took the win as a sop to DBS drones after Zoom made Goku: Scott Snyder edition his supernova girl.

God there was a lot of in-jokes in that paragraph. I bet some of you think I’ve done and lost my mind.

 

How The Fight SHOULD Go

 

Vegeta is nebulously between star and galaxy level, which makes him under Thor at max power. While Thor doesn’t have the AOE to destroy a universe, he is able to project enough power through his mightiest blows and god blast move to hurt beings like Galactus and various Celestials who CAN toe-tag universes. Vegeta is a lot faster and mobile though, especially given how he can fly and teleport at will while Thor can only do the same by spinning his hammer, which means Thor has a slower teleport move and a clumsier flight.

 

Still, Thor just needs one good shot to kill Vegeta, and given that Vegeta’s recent dye job powerup involves him developing a huge ego and daring opponents to hit him like he’s Sebastian Shaw, he’s going to get that hit.

 

It’s called Ultra-Ego.

 

Go ahead and laugh. We all did.

 

How appropriate is it that a guy who still can’t let go of his ego after all these years loses to a guy who did as part of his origin story, all because his latest ultimate power-up turns him into a gimp.

 

HAMMER ME HARDER, THOR-SAMA!

 

Could Vegeta’s rapsberry flavored destroy-all energy powers work on Thor? Maybe? Thor has sometimes been depicted as being like Captain Marvel (the good one, not the wino) in that he can resist things that normally go over your typical super-durability. Other times, such as when he had to haul ass from Ultron’s molecular disintegrator during Secret Wars (the good one, not the shitty Hickman story), he’s depicted as being as vulnerable to “hax damage” as the Thing or Colossus. But even if we say Thor is vulnerable, he can just siphon the energy away from him using his hammer.

 

How The Fight WILL Go

 

Now I got to switch from thinking like a sane, rational person to thinking like Swank. I got to switch my brain to cope with the retard math that has turned so many Marvel fights into “roll a dice to see how fast Thor is” and every Dragon Ball fight into “roll a dice to see how many universes we think they can blow up.” It’s like when Martian Manhunter altered his brain to find his way through a hologram maze managed by the Joker.

 

We know from Wanda vs Zatanna that Thor is going to get Planck time speeds because of an Ares feat–which is bullshit, because it’s from when he’s fighting X-man in a time warp. It’s like giving Bill and Ted Planck time speeds because they shove each other inside their phone booth. But Swank gonna swank, so Planck time Thor. Vegeta can only match this if they swank Goku remarking that Granola can move faster than instant transmission. Now in context its clear he’s talking about Granola’s teleport move needing less of a start-up than instant transmission (it takes time to lock on to a target), but Swank gonna swank.

 

Will Vegeta get faster-than-an-instant speeds? I doubt it. He shouldn’t be that much more powerful than Goku the Black. Making him infinitely faster than Goku the Black would be weird even by Swank’s standards.

 

So Thor is faster. What about power? That’s going to be hard to determine since it depends entirely on bullshit math. Thor might be worth one Marvel multiverse from world engine wank, and then I guess 3X for the warrior madness power? But how much that’s worth, and how much Vegeta will be worth, can only be determined by their fanfic calculators. Maybe Thor will come out on top here, maybe not, I shrug on the question of their comparable power. But even if we give Vegeta the edge here, Thor has the edge in “hax,” which is “I spend too much time online-ese” for special abilities. Vegeta can shoot energy, teleport, and shoot raspberry flavored energy that destroys everything it touches unless that something happens to be more powerful, then it doesn’t, because DBS isn’t allowed to have powers that go beyond BIGGER NUMBER. Thor on the other hand took ranks in spellcaster as well as fighter. He can absorb energy, open portals, transmute matter, create forcefields, magnetize objects, and by using that most venerable of comic book techniques, spinning, to create energy vortexes.

 

So Thor probably wins because of speed and esoteric hammer magic that simultaneously siphons off Vegeta’s ki while turning him into a sandwich.

 

And you know, the fact that Swank tipped his hand long ago:

 

 

Out of touch with what’s popular, starts his research by presupposing a result, and uses a Steel Ball Run avatar…oh Swank, never change.