Poor Bill Mantlo

 

Ah. Imagine you’re poor Bill Mantlo. It’s the late 80’s. Someone travels back in time to talk to you and tells you that one day, one of your characters will be part of the most lucrative film franchise in the history of man.

 

“Oh! I guess Micronauts really took off, huh? Okay, not Mirconauts? Then Rom, certainly Rom! No? Clock and Dagger, then?”

 

“What? Rocket Raccoon? The guy I created as a joke in a back-up feature?”

 

Poor Bill Mantlo. It reminds me of an audio tape in which Harlan Ellison bemoaned how I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream got so much success and acclaim even though he considered it one of his lesser works. He wrote it in an afternoon, didn’t proof it before sending it in, and still, somehow, it became the work he was most well-known for. Grail was what Harlan Ellison considered his best work, though personally I’m fond of The Death Bird.

 

Oh! Oh yeah, the fight.

 

There’s not much to talk about here.

 

Sanity Rules

Stitch destroys. It’s a slightly enhanced racoon with pew pew lasers against a genetic freak with pew pew lasers. One was made to be the guard of space Arkham, the other was made to be a superweapon. The space people lose their shit when Stitch is loose. The space people barely acknowledge Rocket’s existence.

 

It’s a prison guard against a WMD. This isn’t a fight, its an execution.

 

Swank Rules

Everyone knows Stitch should win, and he probably will. I’m sure you’ve all seen the gif of the Stitch anime where he’s pushing back planets. That’s a bit out of Rocket’s league, to say the least. For Rocket to win, DB is going to need to bring in total scumbag arguments.

For instance:

 

Rocket was slapped once by Venom.

 

Venom is a bazingarillion times the speed of light through a scaling chain.

 

Rocket’s guns once made Thanos go owie zowie right in my Infinity Gems.

 

Therefore, Rocket shifts into turbo and blows Stitch away with a multiverse level pew pew in a nanosecond.

 

It’s a scumbag chain of logic to be sure, but its not inconceivable that DB would pull it. Still, I’m fairly confident this is another Po vs Iron Fist situation where a Marvel light weight gets pulverized by a vastly more cartoony character.

 

Just please Death Battle, when Rocket dies, have him go out like Spike Spiegel. Have him stand up, go “It’s only a scratch, and I’ll be better as soon as I am able…” before keeling over.

Then Stitch comes in with a ukulele and does the solo.

 

OPS Score

 

Stitch

–Casual advantage (Stitch has four guns, Rocket only has two!)

–Midwit advantage (Did you SEE the anime clip?)

–Is smarter

–Archive advantage (he’s been in more material than Rocket, surprisingly)

–Is the invader.

OPS Score: 5

Rocket

–Older character

 

OPS Score: 1