The Cult of Manos

Ah, isn’t the public domain wonderful?

Most of you probably need a little context for this jaunt into the multiverse. Back in the mid 1960’s, an El Paso fertilizer salesman named Hal Warren made a bet with Stirling Silliphant, a screenwriter perhaps best known for In the Heat of the Night. He bet him that making a horror movie was EZ PZ, that even he, a humble fertilizer salesman, could make one on the cheap.

And that’s exactly what he did. Manos: The Hands of Fate was the result. And though Hal Warren won his bet, though he did, in fact, make a movie on the ultra-low budget of 19,000 USD, the movie was about what you would expect a fertilizer salesman and local theater actors to produce. The film had a small run in the Southwest drive-in circuit and may have been shown on a few local networks (it was advertised to distributors for the low, low price of 20 dollars) but languished in ultra-obscurity until the 90’s when Mystery Science Theater 3000, a show best described as Elvira meets the opening to The Last Dragon, got ahold of it and celebrated it as, if not the worst movie ever shown, then one of the worst. That propelled Manos quasi-stardom from something only whispered about down in El Paso to infamous final boss of bad movies.

But is Manos the worst movie ever made? Naw. It’s bad, certainly, but take it from someone that’s gone wayyy too deep into Z-grade cinema, there’s ALWAYS a worse film. Truth be told, though the MST3K hypes up Manos as worst than Monster A-Go-Go, Monster is worse. But if you aren’t sold on that, if you’re one of the true believers in Manos supremacy as the alpha-turkey, then consider this: Manos was virtually unknown until the 90’s. It’s possible there’s other weird, drive-in fodder films waiting out in the aether waiting to be discovered. It’s possible there’s a Manos out there to out Manos Manos.

The plot of Manos is threadbare. A hapless family is driving through the El Paso desert. They decide to stop and rest at a sketchy lodge that was in real life, a sketchy lodge. The lodge is inhabited by a strange little man named Torgo. Torgo was meant to be a satyr in the script, but they lacked the budget to give him proper goat legs, so he awkwardly crab walks with his kneecaps flared. One does the best with what one has. Out back on a stone slab, Torgo’s Master sleeps with his six Dracula-styled wives resting on pillars next to him. They don’t wake up until 2/3rds of the way through the film, likely because Hal Warren couldn’t think of anything interesting for them to do. Truth be told, they don’t do much that’s interesting once they do wake up.

Occasionally, the action shifts to a couple who for some reason are necking in their car out in the middle of nowhere and a group of policemen who for some reason keep pestering them to move along to…who knows? What can possibly be more remote than the side of the road in the middle of the dessert? These kissing couple scenes came about when one of the actresses cast for one of the Master’s wives broke her foot. Hal Warren didn’t want to get rid of her, so he stuck her in a car and introduced the kissing couple “sub-plot.” I think he might have been trying to do a Last House on the Left thing where the cutaways to a group of bumbling policemen up to comedic hijinks are meant to create tension and incongruity. That the protagonists’ only chance for salvation is so distant they seem to be in another movie entirely creates unease. But I’m probably giving Hal Warren way too much credit.

The kissing couple, bizarrely, continue making out well into the middle of the night. The film is filled with bizarre leaps of logic and plotholes like this, such as a sheriff declining to investigate gunshots because “they sound like they came from Mexico” and the family unit deciding to hide from the cult…at the cult’s house. In the card deck, I chalked this Z-movie magic up to evil magic and mind control. Like I said, one works with what one has.

The family unit is entirely perfunctory. They’re husband Mike, wife Margaret, daughter Debbie, and little dog Peppy who gets taken out early on in one of the funniest scenes. They don’t even bother to drip some ketchup onto the plushie dog. They just film it like a depressed tribble hiding in the shadows. But no one cares about the whoever-they-are family. No one turned on Manos to watch the adventures of Mike, Margaret, and Debby. All the drama is in the Manos cult, and in case you’re wondering, Manos is the unseen “god of primal darkness” the cult worships, their Cthulhu, if you would. Manos also happens to be Spanish for hands. So the film is, as many have pointed out before, Hands: The Hands of Fate. The Master and wife #2 wants to sacrifice the family to Manos, because come on, they aren’t going to be lucky enough to have a whole family pick the worst motel in the world to stop at twice. Wife #1 wants to spare their small child, Debbie. This results in a large catfight brawl between the six wives, though it’s more like slightly aggressive shoving. More power to Hal Warren, I dig  good catfight, though I hesitate to call anything in Manos “good,” and if you’re going to broadcast your subconscious to the world, you might as well broadcast all of it. Torgo wants a wife of his own and calls dibs on the newly arrived woman. All of this resolves when the Master decides to kill Torgo and wife #1, resolving drama simply by removing it. The wife and daughter are turned into brides. The husband is turned into another Torgo. The end, or as the film states THE END?

That ending would prove to be prophetic because the cult of Manos endures. There was the documentary Hotel Torgo in 2004, a videogame in 2012 that was expanded in 2015 and includes several cameos from other infamous Z-movies (if the name Ro-man means anything to you, you owe it to yourself to try the game), a prequel called The Rise of Torgo in 2018, a sequel called Manos Returns in 2020, and now a SOTM villain deck.

For those of you keeping up with the structure of the Capeworld multiverse, Manos isn’t in the same universe as Night of the Living Dead or the universe with the various superhero film serials. The flavors are just too different to blend, you know? It’s like pouring chocolate syrup into soup. Manos is in the same universe as Plan 9, and it’s a very bizarre sort of universe where the rules of logic are more like polite suggestions. It probably borders a couple of cartoon universes. Alfagon and Alizam are, if not neighbors, then in the same multiverse “district.”

THE END?

Sentinels of the Multiverse Deck

Character Cards

The Master (Side A)

The Master Sleeps

20 HP

The Call of Manos: At the end of the villain turn, deal all hero targets 1 psychic damage.

Gathering Forces: At the end of the villain turn, play the top card of the villain deck.

The Master Stirs…: When The Master would be destroyed, flip this card.

The Master (Side B)

The Master Awakened!

50 HP

Dark Influence: At the end of the environment turn, deal all hero targets 2 infernal damage.

I am permanent! Manos has made me permanent!: Reduce damage dealt to The Master by 1.

Ritual Sacrifice: At the beginning of the villain turn, draw until a minion card is revealed and put it into play, discarding all other revealed cards. At the end of the villain turn, destroy the villain target with the lowest HP and heal The Master equal to the HP of the target.

Minions (9)

Torgo

8 HP

Manos Staff: At the end of the villain turn, deal the hero target with the lowest HP 2 melee damage.

Satyr Caretaker: At the end of the villain turn, play the top card of the villain deck.

I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the Master is away

The Master’s Wife (6)

5 HP

Jealousy and Contempt: At the beginning of the environment turn, if The Master is on side A, The Master’s Wife deals 1 melee damage to all The Master’s Wife in play.

Marital Obligations: At the end of the environment turn, Wife of Manos deals 1 melee damage to all hero targets.

Arise, my wives. Give ear to the words of Manos. Arise, my wives! And hear the will of Manos.

–The Master

The Master’s Dog

8 HP

It got Peppy!: At the end of the environment turn, The Master’s Dog deals the hero target with the lowest HP 1 melee and 2 infernal damage.

That dog wants to play with you, Daddy.

–Debbie

Rattlesnake

2 HP

Squamata Strike: At the end of the environment turn, deal the hero target with the lowest HP 1 melee and 1 toxic damage.

–We’ll have to go back.

Margaret

Oneshots (11)

Fire Curse of Manos (3)

Deal the hero target with the highest HP 1 psychic and 4 fire damage. Reduce damage dealt by that hero by 1 until the start of the next villain turn.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

–The Master

Kill! Kill! (2)

Profane Laying of Hands: Deal the hero with the lowest HP X damage, where X equals the number of minions in play.

Enough! The ceremony is done.

–The Master

Disturbing Discovery (3)

Deal all heroes 1 psychic damage. Draw until a relic or ongoing is revealed and put it into play, discarding all other revealed cards.

He’s dead, Peppy’s been killed!

–Michael

Dark Hand of Fate (2)

The End?: All villain targets heal 3. All heroes destroy one of their ongoings.

I am Michael. I take care of the place while the Master is away.

–Michael

Ongoings (2)

Lost Time (1)

How long have we been kissing?: Heroes must skip either their play, power, or draw step.

Have a heart will ya? Go chase that other couple.

–Boyfriend

Surreal Atmosphere (1)

Illogical decisions: Each hero discards a card at the start of their turn.

Let’s go back. They’ll never think of finding us at the house.

–Margaret

Relics (3)

Ominous Painting (1)

2 HP

He’s so sinister!: At the end of the villain turn, play the top card of the villain deck.

I’d hate to run up on him in the dark or even in the light for that matter.

–Michael

Cult Statues (2)

5 HP

Move all ongoings in the villain trash into play. Villain ongoings cannot be destroyed.

Mike, what kind of place is that?

–Margaret